It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
