I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I just saw a hot homeless man
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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