you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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