I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Randomize
