I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
