so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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