My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I could make wine with my vomit
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I yelled at your uterus for you.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
