i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
