take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
