My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Randomize
