You just made me feel so damn special
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
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