i dont even know how to be here
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Randomize
