dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Drunk is a universal language darling
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