I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
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