Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
