Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
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