In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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