You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
farters have to be the big spoon...
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
