my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Randomize
