Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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