help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
