you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Randomize
