I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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