I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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