All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
