3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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