I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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