Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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