Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
