I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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