No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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