Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
