No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
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