they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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