I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
