my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I believe in your delicious
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Your penis caused this!
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
