I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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