hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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