did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
