Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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