To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Rumble strips road head = magical
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Randomize
