Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
