At least make sure they are 18
Why
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
