On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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