forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
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