i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Randomize
