Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
it glows. i had to have it.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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