she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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