Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
