think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
